Forgiveness: Letting Go Without Losing Yourself
What is forgiveness, and what does it truly involve? Before we explore the deeper philosophies behind it, let’s start with its root meaning.
Forgive (verb): to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
Forgiveness is an action. It’s not just a warm feeling that appears one morning; it’s a conscious choice. It’s something we do. But as anyone who’s been wronged knows, that choice can feel like the hardest thing in the world. So how do we actually get there?
1. Acknowledge the Hurt
Forgiveness isn’t about pretending the offense never happened. Before you can let go, you must face the wound head-on. Write down what happened. Name the emotions it stirred in you. Accept that the pain is real; because denial only traps it deeper inside, and can create a ticking time bomb within you.
2. Separate the Person from the Action
This doesn’t excuse harmful behavior, but it can help you see that the offense doesn’t have to define the entire person. People are complex, and this shift in perspective can loosen the grip of resentment.
3. Choose to Release the Burden
Resentment is like carrying a backpack full of bricks — it only weighs you down. Forgiveness is the act of setting that pack down, for your own peace of mind. You may still remember what happened, but you’re no longer letting it poison your heart.
4. Set Boundaries Where Needed
Forgiveness does not automatically mean that trust is restored. Trust is earned through consistent, reliable behavior — and if you’ve read my last post, [“Trust: Every relationship is meaningless without it!”], you know that rebuilding trust is its own journey. You can forgive someone and still choose to limit your interactions, protect yourself, or wait until they prove themselves again.
For example:
If someone stole from you but you have forgiven them for this; subsequently soon after, putting them in a room unattended with all of your valuables would be asinine.
Similarly, If someone is known to be economical with the truth; accepting their account of things as fact 100% without a cross check, is not the best way to make an informed decision.
Finally, If your brother is an alcoholic; leaving him in charge of the liquor can have disastrous results.
My point is, once someone is forgiven, there are certain boundaries that would have to be adhered to in order to conduct a healthy relationship with this person. The trust you once had in them would have to be first regained before they can be trusted in each respective case.
You would only be most likely setting yourself up for disappointment by putting them in a situation you already knew they would fail; unless testing their resolve, or otherwise in a situation where it would be absolutely necessary.
On the other hand, in situations outside the limitations of which bounded them in the first place; a healthy relationship can be maintained once you have recognized and accepted the person you are dealing with for who they are entirely.
Doing this encourages you to understand the person you chose to forgive. This way, you do not unfairly put them in a situation that they have already proven they struggle with. You can however put them in positions they excel in.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you’re weak. In fact, it requires tremendous strength. Speak to yourself kindly throughout the process. Some wounds take longer to heal than others, and that’s okay.
Forgiveness isn’t a free pass for bad behavior, and it doesn’t erase the past. But it does free you from being chained to the pain. You can choose peace, even if trust is still under construction.
If you’re struggling with the difference between forgiveness and trust, I encourage you to revisit my post: “Trust: Every relationship is meaningless without it!” — it will help you see why both are important, but separate, pillars of healthy relationships.